I feel like I should already be at home, sleeping my mornings away and napping my afternoons away. But I’m still here, trying to keep my eyes open as I research on cancer pain management and dread the next two days’ classes. Because all I really want to do now is to stop and think of what I really want to do, and not to just force myself into what I’m supposed to be doing. But I guess a need’s a need. And a want is just a want.

I really want to sleep now. And thank goodness it’s also a need.

After these few photos from the random shoot the other day I shall retire to my bed.

ahhhh

between and

*puff up*

@$#$!

Woah I’ve gotten really horrible at captioning photos.

That’s all!

Cya!

The mathematician in me doesn’t understand why my mom would rather spend 400 to come to JOHOR BAHRU (i repeat, JOHOR FREAKING BAHRU) instead of 500 to Ho Chin Minh.

The mathematician in me doesn’t want to pay 500 for a return ticket to Miri in a plane with insufficient leg space.

The mathematician in me isn’t happy about throwing away pack of minced beef after I finally figure out a way to cook it.

The mathematician in me wants to get tricked by the four digits on my phone when the alarm rings in the morning.

The mathematician in me doesn’t like how a quarter tank of petrol can only bring me 45 km.

The mathematician in me doesn’t get why anyone needs a calculator to calculate 220/500.

The mathematician in me hates the ticking clock.

Then again, in a world of toxic megacolons and dissecting aortic aneurysms, the mathematician in me is nothing but a bill calculator.

Who cares about what the mathematician in me has to say?

It’s that time of the day when it’s too late to fall asleep and too early to do anything else. It’s my favourite time of the day.

No one to please, no one to fear, no one to hate, no one to love. Just me and the world.

Solitude. Liberation. Freedom.

And the Sun will come up and spoil it all.

Until then, I just wanna stay awake.

WARNING: LONG AND WINDY POST AHEAD. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

I’m supposed to be in bed right now but I’m not even a wee bit sleepy. Thanks to caffeine and sugar rush I suppose. Note to self: No more NESLO during dinner. I think I’m caffeine intolerant. Or maybe just Nescafe intolerant. My urine smells like coffee and I can’t stop farting wth. Okay too much info.

So I’ve been meaning to write a post about how my life almost came to a halt when I was applying for medical school. Okay, a bit of an exaggeration there but it was a rather difficult process, really. Everytime I visit a new blog I’ll view the “About Author” page should it be present and I’ve come across a few saying something along the line of:

“When I finished Form 5, my dad gave me the choice to either do Medicine or (insert non-medical course). In the end I chose (insert non-medical course).”

Eh how come I cannot say the same thing one? Make me feel so left out and uncool hmmph.

The thing is, I think a lot of us who are in medical school may not have always wanted to be here. Sure, there are lots who have dreamt of becoming a doctor ever since the day they discovered the word/gave up their youths slaving away on books to get into medical school/never knew other professions existed wth but a handful of us may have stepped foot into medical school by pure chance.

Am I one of those accidental medical students? Hmmm.. I don’t really know. But I’ll tell you this: You know how in school they always made us write our ‘ambitions’ in our report cards/random documents no one cares about? Must rank according to liking some more damn funny. I think every year, I’d write ‘Doktor’ as my first choice. I am so boring, uh huh I know. I guess that means I’ve always wanted to be a doctor? It doesn’t feel that way though. In Form 4 & 5 I was rather brilliant in school if I must say so myself (and yes I must because no one will say it boohoo) (and I can’t say the same now double boohoo my life is so miserable triple boohoo wth) so I got a lot of ‘encouragement’ to actually pursue Medicine (haha typical Asian mindset). I think it was somewhere in that period of time that I didn’t want to be a doctor at all because I wanted to be a rebel la konon.

Before SPM results were announced I guess quite a number of people were expecting me to score straight A1′s. But guess what? I didn’t. Yeah, I was disappointed for a while but I eventually picked myself up and I survived woohoo! (I think I should start a Facebook Group entitled: I’m Not a Straight A1′s student, SO WHAT?! Think I’ll get skinned alive by all those straight A1′s students haha). So here’s the drill: No straight A1′s (only took 10 subjects some more, how to compete with those who took 98923482938), not Bumiputera, not some world-class debater; Bye Bye JPA scholarship! (I think it’s a little better now fml why was I born so early? But okayla, takkan wanna ask my mom to be in labour for like another 3 years wth)

If you haven’t already realised, this is gonna be a damn long post so you’re not obliged to read the entire thing okay? Read more

Because I said so.

*strikes fierce pose*

It is only the first minute of the fifth day of the year and so much has already happened! I’d initially wanted to post a super emo post which I’d written halfway on a bad morning but decided against it after re-reading those 900 words of emotional outpouring. Afterall, this IS my 200th post. I shouldn’t waste it on a bad impulse right?

So happy 200th post to me! I mean, not me but my blog.

Have you heard of Murphy’s law? The one that says “Anything that can go wrong WILL go wrong”? Gosh. Why does it have to be so true? Why hasn’t he (assuming Murphy was a guy) said something like “EVERYTHING IN THIS WORLD IS PERFECT *bright smiley face*”? Then maybe everything in this world WILL be perfect.

But I guess that wouldn’t be life anymore. Not life on Earth anyway.

I think everything I’ve said is coming back to bite me. Last month I said that I was scared that something would pop up out of nowhere because there are still 2 months before school starts and guess what? It has. And I said that I wasn’t ready to be 20 and to grow up but I guess life is forcing me to now. So far I think I’m pretty happy with myself. Let’s hope it stays that way.

I wonder how the rest of the year is going to turn out. If the first few days are already so drama-filled, I think I should cease my imagination when I try to look into the future. Maybe I should start calling tv producers! Our lives in JB would make such a good reality show! Or even a soap opera! *runs of to look for numbers of producers* Our ratings would totally explode okay because, you know, everyone wants a piece of us. *flips hair*

Oh! Today I randomly wiki-ed around and read about Fran Drescher. Okay I can’t remember/pronounce her last name but if you remember The Nanny then you’ll remember her. She’s the main character with the nasally voice. OMG I am so inspired by her! If Wikipedia is reliable enough a source to go by  (which I think it is because I read the transcript at the external link as well), this was what happened:

In January 1985, two armed robbers broke into Drescher’s and Jacobson’s Los Angeles apartment. While one ransacked their home, the other raped Drescher and a girl friend at gunpoint. Jacobson (her then husband) was also physically attacked, tied up, and forced to witness the entire ordeal. It took Fran many years to recover, and it took her even longer to admit this to the press.

And this too:

After two years of symptoms and misdiagnosis by eight doctors, Drescher was admitted to Los Angeles’s Cedars Sinai Hospital on June 21, 2000, after doctors diagnosed her with uterine cancer.

Rape and uterine cancer. Pretty shitty life if you ask me. But the thing is, she’s still so.. positive. I read the transcript of the interview and I was so impressed by how strong she’d sound with almost no hint of  being indignant. And she still has that megawatt smile and that ear-piercing nasally laugh. It’s as though life has never decided to take a dump on her. But I guess things wouldn’t be the same afterall if life had been all fine and dandy.

I guess it comes to show that strength is accumulated not from the number of times we’ve sailed smoothly through a journey but from the times we’ve fallen and had to pick ourselves up. I guess that’s why they say everything is a blessing in disguise. It just depends on how you choose to see it. That’s one new year resolution over there.

Oh! I made a visit to her cancer support organisation as well It’s called Cancer Schmancer (and she has a book with the same title. I shall search for it soon!) and I think it’s a really good cause. I think there are wayyy too many organisations with good causes that it’s really difficult to decide on which one to contribute to sometimes. I guess you can’t help them all. And I don’t think we’re expected to either.

I guess the fact that we have so many support groups out there is because there are a lot of groups that need support duh. I guess different people go through different ordeals in life and a lot of people have been and are still oppressed in many ways. Sometimes we think whatever problems we’re going through wouldn’t mean anything to anyone else so we decide to keep quiet about them. Truth is, somewhere in this world, someone else is probably going through the same thing and is probably thinking that he’ll never make it through. And then maybe he doesn’t. It’s good to hear success stories sometimes because they are hard to come by.

And the thing about success stories is that they’re all subjective. No one is to judge which one is paler in comparison because everyone is different and we all have different things that matter to us. Some people think the biggest failure is to score a 99% in a Math exam, while some think that having gum stuck in their hair would be the worst thing that could ever happen to them. I guess we just have different views and different priorities. Some of us might have the same ones but even if we don’t, I think respect should still be in the picture. No one is supposed to stuff their opinions up anyone’s asses just for the sake of winning. That’s another new year resolution.

Bah. I think it’s getting late and this post is getting too wordy. You guys probably stopped reading 5 paragraphs ago I shall end here.

Before that, another new year resolution: post less crappy photos.

That’s all!

Cya!

XOXO